A Smidgen of Religion

It is Sunday night at 11:15, the perfect time to blog? Sleep would probably be better, but blog it is. I felt like sharing an experience I had a few years ago.

So, I went to hair school and loved it. I love doing hair, and I actually really loved getting to know cool girls from other religions. Being a Mormon from Mesa, Arizona, I kind of was in a mormon bubble, which was great, but it was refreshing to hop out of the bubble for four hours a day at school. Religion came up a lot, and I was interested in hearing their views, just like they were interested in my weird church :) A question I got repeatedly, No drinking... EVER?!

Anyways, so one day I was talking to a girl and religion came up. I don't know how we got on this subject, but she was talking about if a God really even existed. She brought up my medical problems, and said something like, "I don't think I believe in a God because there is so much bad in the world. How would a God allow that to happen? Take you for example, why would a God love you, but let you be so sick and have to deal with so much?"

As I thought about it, my heart tightened up in my chest and I got that drowning feeling. There is no way in the world, that I could live, not believing in a God. I am NOT just a random genetic mutation. I am NOT just a fluke, an accident, a mistake, a burden. (well, burden, yes, but some of that has to do with my stubborn side, not just my expensive medical bills) ;).

I was put on this Earth with this crummy body for a reason. It is hopefully the biggest trial I will have to face, but I am not just doomed. Thinking of being a person who doesn't believe in God, I could see why some people would be so depressed! Life would seem somewhat worthless, especially for someone like me who can't live a life they really want to.

Luckily I have sunshine, not drowning doom in my thoughts. Instead of being a forgotten corpse, I will gain a perfect body when I die. Perfect! I will get to finally know what it feels like to have a functioning body, and I will be blessed for enduring to the end. That's my goal at least, to endure to the end :) Instead of spina bifida turning me into a forlorn, depressed creature, I am trying to turn it into a positive. Trying being the key word. Because of my medical conditions, I am more empathetic to people with issues because I know what issues feel like. I may not have the same issues, but issues are issues, and I know pain. I still take things for granted alllllllll the time, but I sometimes can appreciate the good just that much more because it is so different than the opposite I have felt. Making lemonade is much better than sucking on sour lemons.

I am going to deal with the life given to me to gain an eternal reward in the end. God exists, and even in the crummiest of crummy times he is there, even if you can't tell. It is so much easier to write like this, because my health has taken a turn for the better, but it is still possible to know you are loved and cared about by a heavenly being who wants the best for you and can't wait to be with you again even when the darkness seems to have you surrounded. Be a better person than me and figure this out during the trials not after ;)

Miracles from Day 1: I CAN WALK

I can't believe I am actually doing a blog. People have kept telling me to start a blog, but I just kept brushing it aside. Best part, I got an instagram and a blog in the same week! What is happening to me? Here I am on a Sunday night, and I had a quick inspiration to start a blog, so I am doing it before logic kicks in telling me not to. One reason I have never wanted to delve into blogging is because I don't really like sharing certain details of my life. And unfortunately those details take up most of my life. I am getting better at not caring what other people think though, and hopefully one person can benefit from me opening up and sharing hard things to talk about. If only ONE person can benefit from this, then my mission is accomplished. Don't worry, not all of my posts will be serious...but I am going to write about whatever I want to write about. I can do that on my own blog right?

And tonight I want to write about my birth.

On Sundays I try and focus on all the countless blessings in my life, and I can never forget the blessings that let me be here on this earth in the condition that I am in.

I'm being brave and diving right in.

I was born with a neurological tube defect called spina bifida.

(side note: anyone reading this that is a girl who wants to have kids someday, or knows a girl that wants to have kids someday -hopefully that's everyone- make sure you all know to TAKE FOLIC ACID!!!!!!! So your kids have a better chance not having this debilitating birth defect)

Most people born with spina bifida are paralyzed from the waist down. Most have a condition called hydrocephalus where cerebral spinal fluid leaks. Most have to have a shunt in their head to stop csf from leaking. Many have learning disabilities. Many have to wear huge braces on their feet and legs if they can walk at all. The list goes on and on of unpleasantness.

I don't have any of that. My story is quite bizarre because I don't have many of the symptoms that come along with the birth defect I have. See what I mean by Miracles from Day One?

While I was in the womb my parents found out about my condition. Luckily, my mom was too far along in the pregnancy to have me aborted, and even more luckily, because of our religion, abortion wasn't even an option. Supposedly the nurse gave them the news that it was too late to abort like it was bad news. So glad she wasn't my momma... The doctors weren't 100% certain I would be paralyzed, but they were like 99% sure. I had a cyst growing on my back and it was filled with all my nerves and other essential things that should have been in my body. When I was born I was a whopping 12 pounds!!!! 10 of it was me, the other 2 was the cyst. It looked like I had a huge brain thing attached to my lower back. I was born at the teaching hospital at UCLA where there were the best medical doctors at the time. Right away I was whisked away to a 6 hour surgery to try and put the jumbled nerves back in my body. I don't know if this occurred before or after that surgery, but the way to tell if a child is paralyzed or not is to tickle their toes. If they move, the baby isn't paralyzed. So the nurse took my 12 pound self into her arms and let my dad tickle my toes. Guess what? They moved. BLESSING NUMBER ONE. Actually blessing number 999, because I wasn't aborted, I was actually born alive, my nerves were encapsulated in a cyst instead of spilling out of me, most of my spinal cord formed, the cyst was lower on my back (higher it is the worse it is) yatta yatta yatta. I also wasn't born with hydrocephalus. I didn't have to get a shunt in my brain. I only had to wear little shoe insert braces growing up. I could walk.

I COULD WALK

People don't realize just how much they take that for granted. I take it for granted every single day of my life.

Even though I was spared so many hardships, spina bifida has affected, does affect, and will affect every moment of every day until the day I die. There have been more times than I want to think about, where I have been down in the dumps thinking about poor me. Why did this have to happen to me, why can't I just be normal, I don't want to be sick anymore, I want to be able to do what everyone else can...the list goes on and on. Sometimes when I am at my lowest points, this random phrase will pop in my head, I CAN WALK. No matter how sick I am, I can walk. No matter how big of a pity party I am throwing myself, I can walk. And for those of you who can't walk, you're alive.

Life is hard. Life is not easy. If we want to, there is always something negative to focus on, but the key is focusing on the numberless blessings that are given to us every second of every day. Yes, I have to always worry about health insurance because the doctors office is like my second home, yes, I am sick a lot, yes, I can't do some things that other people can do, BUT I am beyond blessed. I am alive, married to a wonderful man who somehow manages to deal with me, blessed with wonderful friends, part of a family who loves me for me, and did I mention I can walk?

I know this is so much easier said than done, but seriously, if you take a second to think about your life, even with all of the trials and hardships, Heavenly Father (God) is blessing you beyond measure. On days I forget that, which there will be plenty, I only have to think of the simple phrase, I CAN WALK.